


A Solitary Star

by islasands



Series: Lambski [65]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-14
Updated: 2012-10-14
Packaged: 2017-11-16 06:47:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/536648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/islasands/pseuds/islasands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being in love doesn't prevent or cure existential loneliness. It's good when you know it isn't meant to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Solitary Star

"One More Try"

 

George Michael

 

  


 

The body of his lover, naked and warm, suddenly presented itself to the arms of his mind and they quickly encircled him. This appearing was nothing new and disconcertingly happened at the most inopportune of moments, - in the middle of conversations, business meetings, even on stage in the middle of songs. At such times his mind’s eye would look down and he would feel moved by the boyishness of the hair on the nape of his lover’s neck, the pressure of his head pressed against his chest, the dear-life grip of his arms clasped around his waist. It was a nice feeling of compassionate lust. But this time it was different. The arms of his thought hung at its sides. His mind’s eye looked away, not down. He felt like crying.

He was in a club with friends, sitting at the bar, trying to resist the temptation to slide his glass out of the way, put his head on his hands, and go to sleep, - sleep right there in the midst of all the noise, letting the laughter and talk and bass lines of the music weave a cocoon of oblivion around him. It had always been his way. Silence woke him up, made him agitated. Noise placated him. His mother once told him that as an infant he would only sleep if the world around him was making more noise than he was. “And you liked being jostled,” she said. “I used to make a row of rolled up towels on the floor so that your carriage went bumpity bump, bumpity bump, back and forth, back and forth, with The Grateful Dead blasting your favourite song, that song “The Music Never Stopped”, your Dad set it up on repeat - and it worked. You’d close your eyes and stop crying. But as soon as I stopped pushing they’d open again and you would glare at me, no, really, you would _glare_ , and then you’d scream! You were so adorable, darling, but the truth is you terrorized our lives for nearly two years! They said you were colicky but it wasn’t that at all. There was nothing wrong with _your_ greedy little tummy. You just couldn’t stand being by yourself. Not even in sleep.”

The person standing next to him interrupted his introspection by directly asking him a question and he struggled to collect himself. He looked down the bar and met the gaze of a stranger who happened to be looking in his direction. He looked away but the moment had been long enough to register a mutual interest. He resisted the urge to look again. He picked up the thread of conversation and added his strand of opinion. He laughed at a joke. He ordered another drink. His closest friend in the group came and stood next to him and put his arm over his shoulder. “Home soon,” he said. Adam shrugged. “I’m actually happy living out of a suitcase,” he said. He put his hands on his face and pressed his middle fingers into the corners of his eyes. “You must be so fucked,” his friend said. “Yup,” Adam said. He gazed at the rows of bottles behind the bar. He looked down the bar again. The stranger was still looking. He raised his eyebrows at Adam in a smile. Adam raised his glass to him then drank the shot quickly. “I’m going to get so wasted I won’t even know I’m in the air,” he said to his friend.

And sure enough, by the time they were in the taxi on the way to the airport he was well and truly wasted. He lay in his friend’s arms in the back seat. “Where are we,” he asked, and when his friend answered him he protested, “No, not that. Where are we, _really_.” He put his hand up and pulled his friend’s face down. He made to kiss him. “Wrong person, baby,” his friend laughed, but he didn’t pull away. They kissed. “You kiss perfectly,” Adam murmured. “You kiss like there’s nowhere to go. Like we’re on the road to nowhere.” His friend pushed him away. “Well, we are. Man you are so pissed. If I wasn’t drunk already I would be after doing that. ” Adam slid down till his head was on his friend’s lap. “Where is Sauli?” he mumbled into the lap. “What?” said his friend. He fingered Adam’s hair. He was very fond of his friend. “What did you say?” he repeated. 

_But Adam could only ask that question once. A silence was occurring in the centre of his brain and Sauli was in the middle of it, standing by the pool at their house. It was evening and they had been arguing and Sauli had gone outside to clear his head. Adam had stood in the doorway and watched him._

_“Why do you always have to walk away?” he called out. Sauli turned around. He came and stood in front of Adam and as always, when they were in close proximity, Adam felt alarmed. He wanted to throw a stone into the calm pool of Sauli’s gaze._

_“Because you don’t fight about real shit,” Sauli said. “You just want to be right.”_

_“I_ am _right.”_

_“Yes, you are. You’re always right.” Sauli’s agreement, which lacked the least hint of sarcasm and was merely a loving observation of his character, was like a physical blow. Sauli knew it, and touched his arm._

_“Even when you’re right you still don’t win,” he said. “There is nothing to win or lose,” he added. “Well, nothing that matters.” The ensuing silence set over them like a sunset. Adam smiled wistfully at Sauli. He drew him into his arms but it was like holding onto something that he wished rather than knew had substance. He sighed, accepting the truth about his loneliness. The quiet of the evening sky enveloped him and he submitted to its empty embrace._

_“I love you,” he said. He felt his spirit slip out of him and watched it fly up to join a solitary star._

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
